Stuff nobody tells you

tobiogunsina Uncategorized Leave a Comment

I have wanted to write about Sex for a while, from a different perspective. This is not a post about having sex or not, It is about the lack of sex related discussion before marriage.

In (African) Christian communities, Sex is hardly talked about with ‘before marriage’ folks, except that it’s a sin and you have no business with it yet. If you show any signs you are overly interested in this topic, there’s suddenly reason to suspect you. You need to remember what the bible says 🙂

When you are about to get married, you go through counselling, your parents advise you, your in-laws advise you, EVERYBODY advises you. This often involves what to expect, what not to, books to read etc. mostly great stuff. However, what I find amusing is how everybody hardly discusses sex.

I don’t mean they don’t mention it at all but not nearly enough. They tell you should always have sex with your husband, sex is very important to marriage but not much else. Common, young folks are just supposed to walk in blind? Google? Google is great of course but why is sex the special topic that’s not addressed? You are not even pointed in the right direction as part of your many counsel.

I find this very strange.

I think its a little unfair. Before marriage — ‘keep yourself o’. When you finally get married — ‘don’t deny your husband/wife o, sex is very important to marriage’ . Oh oh, it is, innit. *in my fake british accent*

You are expected to know how to do a lot of things, several areas that seem to cause issues in marriage is reiterated in many forms except sex and intimacy. This results in a lot of ‘knowledge gaps’ because you see, the marriage certificate does not come with a ‘congratulations for abstaining, here’s a manual on how to have hot passionate sex’. No no no.

I know there’s only so much that can be explained and there’s the school of thought in christian communities not to talk/read about it too much until you are about to be married for fear of increased temptation. Still, I think for a topic so important, we can definitely do better to help – debunk common myths, emphasise that some things are normal, provide a gynaecologist’s contact information, offer to help and answer specific questions as an older couple or point seekers in the direction of help. Sex is a gift of God to married people eh? We should talk about maximising this gift more often. This will significantly reduce their struggles during the honeymoon and the first few months.

I mean, I’ve always been a curious person, I like to think I know ’things’, but it’s surprising how much I didn’t know. Then you realise lots of people didn’t and you wonder why nobody said anything to them. I have read about people who couldn’t really have sex for the first few months, people who had vaginismus and did not know what it was, people who could not easily switch from ‘lets not’ to ‘lets touch everywhere’, people who were disenchanted with sex because it wasn’t like expected, unhappy women, people who struggle because they didn’t know something was normal etc These are the low impact implications by the way.

Anyway, I am Grateful for google, every woman and other sources that teach you more about your body and the how of sexuality and intimacy. I am grateful that these sources exist in today’s world.

We should to talk about sex more and not just dance around it.

I’ll update this post with links later.